Why Can’t I Just Calm Down? The Neuroscience Behind Saying No and Managing Stress

I have brain cancer. No one was more shocked than me, sitting in my neurologist’s office, trying to absorb what he was saying about the size and location of the tumor. I had to have surgery as soon as possible so that the doctors could tell me what kind it was and decide on treatment options. 

No question, I was thrown off my game. 

After my surgery, I was told I have the “best kind” of brain cancer. Um, ok. With this new lease on life, and my cancer in remission, I decided to manage my stress better and start living my life to the fullest.

The Year of Yes 

This launched my year of yes. I said yes to things I had said no to, like parasailing or skiing or even quitting my 30+ year corporate career to go out on my own. My year of yes has since turned into a life of yes, and I have never been happier.

I know many of you say yes to many things at work. Learning to say no is critical. But I question - are you saying yes to the right things? Are you opening up career opportunities for yourself? Going to networking events? Taking a class? Engaging in TroopHR?

So for me, I had to consciously decide to say yes to more things.  The word No trips too easily off my tongue. I realized I was more likely to say no to new, different, and potentially uncomfortable situations and I didn’t understand why.

After some research, I discovered the theory of negative bias. This describes the human tendency to focus on negative events, dwell on them, make decisions, and stress out based on them. Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson describes it this way: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. 

Negative thoughts produce more neural activity than positive ones, are processed faster and more easily, and get stored in your memory more quickly and permanently. Positive things, however, take longer to sink in and can get buried, as we tend to overestimate the negative and forget about the positive. 

Overcoming Negative Bias

From a neurological perspective, fear lives in the most primitive part of the brain, the amygdala. It tells us to look for threats, and if we sense any, to take flight or fight. Because of our brain’s reaction to fear, we are walking around in a constant state of anxiety, which is easily elevated if even a perceived threat presents itself. Saying no allows us to stay safe. 

What can we do to overcome our negative bias? A few things:

• Take a pause between the request and the word “no.” Think about why you are saying no, and what you could learn if you say yes
• Savor positive moments. Write down the compliment you got. Keep a “kudos” folder in your email so you can go back and bask in your own glory. Hold onto that positive performance appraisal
• Look for the people in your life that say yes. What have they learned, gained, discovered? Talk to them about their experiences and the benefits they have gained by saying yes

‍Moving from Yes to Managing Stress

Saying NO too quickly is often a sign of an overloaded limbic system, which is where stress and anxiety start. The limbic system (including the amygdala) is a powerful friend AND enemy. It evolved early in humans’ brains and plays a significant role in your survival. Specifically, when the amygdala perceives a threat, it activates the adrenal glands to produce hormones like epinephrine that raise blood pressure and heart rate, elevate breathing rate, and send blood to important muscles and organs. 

Ever feel your face get hot? Heart pound? Get butterflies in your stomach? It’s probably your amygdala activating your fight, flight, or fright response. This was awesome when you had to run from wooly mammoths, not so awesome when you are giving a big presentation to the CEO.

It’s not all bad. We are meant to feel fear in order to help ensure survival. Our limbic system activates, we react, and then our prefrontal cortex (based in the front of your brain – and where executive functioning lives) acts as the adult in the room and gets engaged to evaluate the situation, regulate emotions, and de-escalate your body’s response. You return to normal, and you calm down. 

My clients have benefitted from understanding and managing the Negative Bias response. I have had clients say yes to a promotion, say yes to new and scary projects, and even say yes to finding a new role that better fits their values, skills, and needs. Negative bias is real and can keep you from an opportunity that could greatly benefit you.

Tips for Managing Stress 

Why am I telling you all this? From everything I have seen, heard, and experienced in the world, there is a lot to be nervous about. So how can you regulate your nervous system?

1. Name it to tame it: Putting feelings into words activates your prefrontal cortex, which calms the amygdala
2. Breathwork: Inhale and exhale four times to stimulate the vagus nerve and calm the body. If that doesn’t work, try inhaling four counts, holding for four counts, and exhaling for four counts. Repeat as necessary
3. Splash cold water on your face:  This helps disrupt your stress response
4. Buy and use that weighted blanket:. We are heading into winter; what a wonderful time to visit Amazon!
5. Try a workout: Aerobic activity increases serotonin, which quiets amygdala hyperactivity
6. Get outside: Watch the leaves change and reduce your stress hormones at the same time

Knowing what you know now, what will you try? And what will you say yes to more often?

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In addition to saying Yes, Rachel does Executive Coaching, Team Effectiveness and Learning and Development. Want to hear more? Contact her at rwallins@acceleratetm.com

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